TESTIMONY

Steady Hands

Basically, my body was shutting down. My heart wasn't pumping blood right. Every few hours, my mind forgot where I was. The shakes had turned into full body tremors. I couldn't do anything for myself...

It was 5 a.m. on a cold January morning. I was seconds from another lie. But, with tears in my eyes, I told Mom she needed to go wake my dad up and that I needed to talk. At the end of a very long list of confessions, I said,

“…and I’m an alcoholic. I’m drinking every day.”

My parents truly glorified God in those moments. They immediately started researching withdrawal symptoms. They welcomed me to move back in their home so that I could devote my time to getting better. The relief I felt was indescribable. I expected a full interrogation, but they showed me nothing but acceptance and unconditional love. I thanked God for the first time in a long time that morning. I was so grateful that He led me to a place where I would no longer wake up with an impossible battle to fight every morning.

Unfortunately, my withdrawal was so severe that I had alcohol withdrawal seizures that afternoon—in my mom’s arms, at that. I was hospitalized for a week. I experienced serious delirium tremens (DTs) and I had developed alcoholic cardiomyopathy. My heart’s ejection fraction was about 25 percent and it should’ve been at least 45 percent.

WHOA. That’s a lot, I know.

That’s how my body felt. 

Basically, my body was shutting down. My heart wasn’t pumping blood right. Every few hours, my mind forgot where I was. The shakes had turned into full-body tremors. I couldn’t do anything for myself.

 

PPPIC13
Photo by Parker Pampli

Most of my time in the hospital was spent in Critical Care and although I don’t remember much of it, I know it was brutal. My parents were hitting their knees. My sister Parker flew in from Philadelphia. I was out of my mind, but I was detoxing, which was a step in the right direction.

 

BLINDERS: OFF

I’ve been sober for almost 10 months and there is a new, genuine happiness that exists in me now. I can’t explain it but, it’s real.

To say that God shifted my heart would be a lie. He flipped, rotated and zoomed in on that thing until He’d created something BRAND NEW.

I’m a student again. I lead at church when I can. I serve at church when I can. I’m a sister. I’m a daughter. I’m a friend and a best friend. I’m a dog-mom.

That right there. That’s all I had to remember. I needed to be reminded that I play a part. I have a role in all that I do, and as long as remember that, I’m okay.

So, yes I’m back in school, and yes, I still have anxiety over it. I would have that anxiety if I were only 18 and I would have it if I were 40. I’ll probably still have it post-graduation but, here’s the thing, I don’t have to drink over it anymore. I CHOOSE not to drink over it anymore. I’m equipped with the tools to cope. I just have to use them.

I just have to surrender. It’s the only way I’ll win.

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Photo by Parker Pamplin

 

 

 

 

10 comments on “Steady Hands

  1. So proud of you and that you had Godly people in your life to run to! I praise God for that! All of the things we have been through help mold us and make us, God does that, He is the potter and we are the clay. God is always at work on each of us. You are to be commended for seeking help in the right places. Thank you for sharing your story with others and glorifying God.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, Lindsey. You really have no idea how much kind words like this mean to me. I had people to run to, and my people had people to run to and so on. I’m amazed that I haven’t run into anyone who isn’t supportive yet. I know tough times will come, though. And when they do, it’s nice to know I’m backed by an army of encouraging people, like you. Thank you again for taking the time to read my story.

      Like

  2. Thanks so much for sharing your story. Congratulations on your sobriety. I look forward to hearing more of your experience, strength, and hope.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. I’m glad happy to know readers are looking forward to more because I’ve got a lot coming! Thank you for reading my story and taking time to send encouragement my way.

      Like

  3. Cecilee, thank you for sharing your story. ❤️ I’m truly thankful to get to cheer you on in some small way and watch what God is doing in you. Love you! Marianne

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading my story, Marianne. You make quite the cheerleader. My relationship with Christ has grown so much in the recent months and you have played a HUGE part in that. Your support means more than you know.

      Like

  4. Ines McBryde

    i’m just crying over here nothing to see but my brave cousin-in-law living into being brave and free! nothing but love from me!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ines, you have no idea what that means to me. I am awe of what you do and how you and your family truly glorify God in all you do. So glad this reached you and I hope to see y’all soon.

      Like

  5. Mary L. McBryde

    You are working hard – through something most people haven’t experienced. Sending my prayers & love to you Cece!

    Liked by 1 person

    • My favorite Aunt Leslie, your encouragement is always so refreshing. Thank you for reading but, more importantly, thank you for always bringing a smile to my face. Keep ’em comin!

      Like

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