TESTIMONY

QUARANTINE

I just remember hearing a voice in my head say "You could just tell them the truth." I stayed trapped in my mind for the next few hours. I got up and searched for a beer or a bottle of wine, or anything to cure the shakes. Do I come clean? Do I lie again? WHAT CAN I TELL THEM?! It was all a matter of choice here. I clearly had no problem coming up with the right words to manipulate my way through this. But, did I have the energy? I didn't... READ MORE-->

THE TURNING POINT

 In January, I was house-sitting for some family friends and I was so sick that I asked to stay a few extra nights AFTER they returned. They are close friends of my parents, so I tightened my mask and stuck to my story. I played sick. After a few days of moping my way through what seemed like gallons of gatorade, I forced myself to go back to my house. I stopped at the liquor store first, of course.

I spent the next few weeks drinking in my room. I had to hide.. At this point, my shakes would have been enough to give me away and I couldn’t afford to be discovered. That would mean I would have to stop drinking FOREVER. That wasn’t an option for me. Why not just stop drinking on my own? Then I could be a normal drinker one day, right?

I gave up on God here. NOT because I felt betrayed by Him or stopped believing in Him, but because I felt I wasn’t good enough for Him. I thought I was in trouble.

So I drank a few more weeks away. My parents were worried. But, I stood strong behind my original lie. “Stomach issues.” That would explain the shakes and nausea. I even told them I scheduled an appointment with my gastroenterologist. Yet, ANOTHER lie. Addiction is quite the author, you guys.

The next Monday morning, I had a conversation with my dad on the phone and I guess I wasn’t making much sense. My parents went from worried to scared. My mom was on my doorstep within an hour. She banged on the door and I refused to let her in. But, she’s a mom and figured it out. She anxiously let herself in. I didn’t fight her much more. She packed my bag, got me to the car and took me home.

A key element to this part of the story: I didn’t have my car once I got to my parents’ house. I knew I would run out of alcohol soon, but I couldn’t do anything about it. So, I drank. I ran out of vodka around 8 that night, but I passed out happy. Around 3 a.m., I woke up with a racing heart, headache, nausea, you know, same routine. My heart was racing so fast that I couldn’t sleep anymore. I got on my phone, but my whole body was shaking so much that I couldn’t even hold it steady. I “needed” more alcohol, but how was I going to convince my mom to get me back to my car?

HINT: I WASN’T.

 

MY MOMENT OF CLARITY

pppic14
Photo by Parker Pamplin

That night was the worst night of my life and I NEVER WANT TO FEEL THAT WAY AGAIN.

GOOD NEWS: I NEVER HAVE TO.

Moving on. As I realized just how exhausting maintaining my addiction was, God breathed a moment of clarity into me. It was so random. I just remember hearing a voice in my head say, “You could just tell them the truth.” I stayed trapped in my mind for the next few hours. I got up and searched for a beer, a bottle of wine or anything to cure the shakes. I debated some more. Do I come clean? Do I lie again? WHAT CAN I TELL THEM?! It was all a matter of choice here. I clearly had no problem coming up with the right words to manipulate my way through this. But, did I have the energy? I didn’t.

pppic10
Photo by Parker Pamplin

At 5 a.m. on Jan. 30, I chose honesty. It is the best decision I have ever made and WILL ever make.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

0 comments on “QUARANTINE

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Pinterest Made Me Do It

For all the outfits that you thought were cute, but never thought you could recreate!

thankstopinterestcom.wordpress.com/

Check out all of the fun things I discover - Thanks To Pinterest!

keepingonpoint.wordpress.com/

Taking delicious recipes and making them healthier.

Not Pinterest Worthy

Life Doesn't Have to be Perfect to be Beautiful!

The Pinterested Parent

Playing, laughing, crafting and painting

meditationsoncatholicism

Musings and meditations on Catholicism.

%d bloggers like this: