THE TURNING POINT

 In January, I was house-sitting for some family friends and I was so sick that I asked to stay a few extra nights AFTER they returned. They are close friends of my parents, so I tightened my mask and stuck to my story. I played sick. After a few days of moping my way through what seemed like gallons of gatorade, I forced myself to go back to my house. I stopped at the liquor store first, of course.

I spent the next few weeks drinking in my room. I had to hide.. At this point, my shakes would have been enough to give me away and I couldn’t afford to be discovered. That would mean I would have to stop drinking FOREVER. That wasn’t an option for me. Why not just stop drinking on my own? Then I could be a normal drinker one day, right?

I gave up on God here. NOT because I felt betrayed by Him or stopped believing in Him, but because I felt I wasn’t good enough for Him. I thought I was in trouble.

So I drank a few more weeks away. My parents were worried. But, I stood strong behind my original lie. “Stomach issues.” That would explain the shakes and nausea. I even told them I scheduled an appointment with my gastroenterologist. Yet, ANOTHER lie. Addiction is quite the author, you guys.

The next Monday morning, I had a conversation with my dad on the phone and I guess I wasn’t making much sense. My parents went from worried to scared. My mom was on my doorstep within an hour. She banged on the door and I refused to let her in. But, she’s a mom and figured it out. She anxiously let herself in. I didn’t fight her much more. She packed my bag, got me to the car and took me home.

A key element to this part of the story: I didn’t have my car once I got to my parents’ house. I knew I would run out of alcohol soon, but I couldn’t do anything about it. So, I drank. I ran out of vodka around 8 that night, but I passed out happy. Around 3 a.m., I woke up with a racing heart, headache, nausea, you know, same routine. My heart was racing so fast that I couldn’t sleep anymore. I got on my phone, but my whole body was shaking so much that I couldn’t even hold it steady. I “needed” more alcohol, but how was I going to convince my mom to get me back to my car?

HINT: I WASN’T.

 

MY MOMENT OF CLARITY

That night was the worst night of my life and I NEVER WANT TO FEEL THAT WAY AGAIN.

GOOD NEWS: I NEVER HAVE TO.

Moving on. As I realized just how exhausting maintaining my addiction was, God breathed a moment of clarity into me. It was so random. I just remember hearing a voice in my head say, “You could just tell them the truth.” I stayed trapped in my mind for the next few hours. I got up and searched for a beer, a bottle of wine or anything to cure the shakes. I debated some more. Do I come clean? Do I lie again? WHAT CAN I TELL THEM?! It was all a matter of choice here. I clearly had no problem coming up with the right words to manipulate my way through this. But, did I have the energy? I didn’t.

At 5 a.m. on Jan. 30, I chose honesty. It is the best decision I have ever made and WILL ever make.